Cold
by Red Bess Rackham
Summary: They could all feel it. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. Oneshot. No slash.


**Disclaimer:** Don't own a thing.

**A/n:** Well, I just finsihed watching "Dead Poet's Society" for probabaly the fourth or fifth time, was naturally was very inspired to write SOMETHING. So, then I went to the computer, with no idea in my head, and this came out. It is not my usual style, like at all, but ya. Review me and tell me what ya think.

* * *

He'd known something was wrong. He could feel it. The look on Neil's face as he passed by them without a word, the fury on his father's face, the way he somehow couldn't meet their eyes.

Charlie felt it too, especially after Mr. Perry yelled at Mr. Keating. He'd tried to go after Neil, find out what was going on, why something felt so wrong, but Mr. Keating held him back.

"Don't make it any worse than it already is." Keating had said quietly, his arm gently in front of Charlie.

Todd felt the fear rise in his chest and he didn't know what to do with it. He'd been scared before, sure, but not like this. Something wasn't just wrong. Neil's father wasn't just angry like he was when Neil had initially not wanted to drop his place on the publishing committee of the school newspaper. Something was _very, very_ wrong. Neil's father was irate – on the verge of violence.

Todd desperately wanted to run down the road after the Perry's car, screaming for help, screaming for Neil. He felt like somehow he'd never see him again.

Yet he didn't.

Pitts patted his shoulder. "It'll be ok." He mumbled. Todd could tell Pitts wasn't as scared as he was, but even though he tried to reassure Todd, there was still a tone of nervous concern in Pitts' voice.

Meeks just nodded numbly.

Todd, Meeks, Pitts and Charlie walked back to Welton's as it snowed lightly. Knox walked Chris home and would be back later. All the while, there was a sense of coldness and uncertainty that didn't come from the weather. They all knew it, they could all feel it.

Something was _terribly_ wrong.

* * *

Todd tossed and turned for a long time before finally managing to doze off. Although his sleep was dreamless, he kept having small images and scenes entering his head whenever he woke up a little. Like he was half awake and half asleep at the same time. 

Sometimes these images had Neil coming back smiling, talking animatedly about he and his father had made up. His father had been very angry, but it was all ok now. It was all going to be ok.

Others had Neil coming back crestfallen and emotionally anguished. His father refused to let him continue. He was to be pulled from the school and go to a special boarding school for medical students in training.

Once Neil came back crying, though when Todd fully awoke, he couldn't remember why.

But Neil always came back. In all these images and scenes that floated through Todd's mind as he lay in limbo between awake and asleep, Neil _always_ came back. As cold and numb the feeling of foreboding was, as ominous as it had been to see Mr. Perry's face, as much as everything had felt _so wrong_ after the play, it never crossed his mind that Neil wouldn't come back.

He was worried to be sure, that maybe Neil would be forced to stay with his parents overnight until they could get themselves sorted out. Heck, Neil might even have to stay several nights, especially if Mr. Perry is forcing Neil to drop from Welton's. But Todd knew that even if that was the case, Neil would tell him and the others. Him first, his best friend, his roommate.

So when Charlie shook him awake, it was a gut wrenching nightmarish shock to hear the words, "Neil's dead."

* * *

"What is it, Charlie?" Todd moaned, and tried to turn away. 

"Todd…" Charlie's voice sounded choked and that was _not_ like Charlie.

Todd looked at his friend, paled by the moonlight spilling in from the window and could see tears glistening on Charlie's face. In the doorway stood Knox, Pitts, Meeks and Cameron. They all looked upset and sad.

Indeed, something was _very, very _wrong.

"What, Charlie?" Todd asked almost breathlessly, panic beginning to swirl within. _Neil… where's Neil… he's not here… oh my gosh… what happened to Neil…_

Charlie swallowed hard and said quietly, "Neil's dead."

Todd's head began to spin and he looked at the others. Cameron left and Pitts dipped his head. Meeks wiped his eyes and Todd saw that Knox's eyes were tear-filled, red and puffy.

He felt nauseated. He didn't know what to do, where to go, where to turn, what to say, how to react. He looked at Neil's bed: cold, empty and made.

"He can't be…" Todd whispered. "He just… he was at the play and…"

Charlie swallowed again and tears spilled down his cheeks. It occurred to Todd this was the first time he had ever seen Charlie cry. "I know." Charlie said. "I know."

Todd's breathing became heavier and he forced his body out of bed, his feet touching the cold floor, and his eyes becoming fixed on the perfectly made bed beside his. He began shivering uncontrollably and said through chattering teeth, "H-how?"

Charlie made a noise that sounded like a stifled sob and it took his a moment to answer. Pitts had his head in his hands and Meeks was standing in the hallways trying not to cry too loudly. Knox just let the tears fall like a river down his face.

"He-he…" Charlie started and had to start again as more sobs caught in his throat. "H-he… s-shot… himself."

The words hit Todd like a train. The shivering became a little less, but now suddenly his knees didn't work. They gave out and collapsed on the floor and began to cry. Maybe he wasn't supposed to cry, but here he was, on the chilled floor, bathed in moonlight, at the side of his best friend's bed, crying his heart out for the friend he lost. He could hear the others crying too, but he could do nor say anything as the tears and grief poured out of him.

_Neil_…

His light, his friend, his passion, his _brother…_

It was something that Neil did that no one else had ever done to Todd. When Neil was around, Todd had some confidence. He had a little reason to believe in himself. He had reasons to laugh, reasons to smile, reasons to be immature, _just this once_. He could make jokes and Neil would laugh. He could write poems and Neil would love to read them. He could throw desk sets off the roof of the school and know it was okay.

And that was gone. It was all gone.

That warmth and comfort and fun and brotherly love and companionship that Neil had always provided, was gone. _Gone… gone… gone…

* * *

_

He didn't know how he made it through the night. In fact, he didn't even remember how he made it through the night, when it was morning, if he had eaten or not, or even how he got outside.

He'd gazed around at the snowy white world around him, thinking how much fun he was going to have with Neil today. With the rest of the guys too.

"Its so beautiful." He said, turning around to look at the others. They looked sadly at him, some appeared to be on the verge of crying. It'd hit him then, for a second time, almost harder than the first time.

There was Charlie… Knox… Pitts… Meeks… Cameron… but no Neil. Neil was dead. Neil was gone. Neil was gone and he was never coming back.

The nausea overtook him this time and Todd just crumbled to the ground and retched. The others gathered around him quickly, someone hugging his back, Charlie trying to wash his mouth with clean snow…

He was trying to yell. He was talking loudly and incoherently. He wanted to stay. He wanted to go. He needed Neil. He needed to find Neil

Todd jumped up and tried to run. He slipped and stumbled several times before managing to properly run, the tears freezing on his cheeks, his sobs overtaking his speech. He was no longer aware of where the others were – somewhere behind him, he supposed.

Todd stood on the snow covered dock, and he thought he called Neil's name a time or two – he couldn't be sure. He was frozen and numb. His insides were cold… _so cold…_

He sank to his knees and buried his head in his hands.

"I can't do this alone…" he cried quietly. "You were always there… why'd you leave, Neil? Why'd you leave…"

The brother he never had. The brother he never thought he needed. The brother he realized he needed more than anything in the world.

"Come back Neil… please come back…"

Even in the reality and the cold and the grief that was seeping into Todd, he still somehow felt that Neil was ok. He was coming back soon. He wasn't really gone. It was ok. Really. Just don't think about it and it'll all go away…

He didn't really believe that. But for the time being, it was just enough to take away the bite of the cold. The freezing cold…

**END**

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**A/n:** Well, I wasn't sure how to end it and it seemed to be dragging on repititvely. I don't know. Like I said, this is not my usual style. Review me, tell me what you thought. What did you like, what didn't you like - let me know:D 


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